What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 01:48
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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But ive been too sick for many years..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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When she asked me how she looked .
I write beautiful poetry .
Put me off passion for life!!
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
We were not on the streets..
This is soul school!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was 9 years of age.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!